MisterShouty

Taxi Drivers. The humble cabbie. Have you ever taken a second to consider just how annoying they are?

The whole taxi system is annoying in itself. Whether you need a cab straight away or you want to book one for the near future, the odds of it turning up within 30 minutes of the expected time are 50/50 at best. In fact, there’s probably a 10% chance of it not turning up at all – and you’ll have to call the company again and get the classic “He’s just round the corner” lie.

Of course, if you’re already out, you can flag down a black cab. But half of the time, even if they are available, they’ll ignore you – obviously have somewhere more important to be! If you’re lucky enough to get one of them to stop, you’ll notice that as soon as they start the metre, you’re already 2 or 3 pounds into your fare. They’d have you believe that it’s a surcharge that they just have to add on – but it’s strange that if you used a non-black cab for the same journey, the cost would mysteriously be about 2 to 3 pounds less …

Is this some extra charge connected to the different type of cab? I seriously doubt it. They just know they can get away with it, so they do!

Drivers of these Black Cabs are also the big offenders in several areas of my taxi annoyance.

One of these areas, although certainly not limited to the black cabs, is the utter inability to drive like a normal person. They fly round corners at what feels like 40 miles per hour, throwing you, their customer, around in the back of the cab like cattle. It seems to me that this is totally intentional. The heavy braking, the uneven acceleration, the G Forces they manage to pull going round the mildest of corners … they simply CANNOT be that bad at driving.

Or is it merely a symptom of the Professional Driver?
Is it that, like the dreaded “White Van Men“, they have gotten to the point where they don’t think the laws of driving apply to them anymore?

I don’t remember the last time I saw a taxi driver indicate to leave a roundabout … or even the last journey in a taxi where the driver didn’t cut someone up at some point.

And have you ever experienced a cab driver telling YOU where you can and can’t go? What the hell is that about?

“Nah, mate. I’m not going there this time of night. I knock off in half an hour.”

You fucking What?

I’ve even had cab drivers and companies refuse fares because they deem the distance not to be great enough to require a cab! Does it not occur to you that I hailed a cab to get me somewhere QUICKLY? Yes, I could walk to the train station in about 15 minutes. But my train leaves in 8 … you wanker!

Either way, it’s your JOB to drive me wherever I want! I’ll still be paying you! And if you’re not a complete twat about it, you’ll probably even get a tip!

But, while annoying, the Cabbies complete lack of consideration for their passengers, their nonexistant driving abilities and their general idiotic behaviour are just the tip of the iceberg.

There are very few jobs in which you could fail to do the one thing you’re supposed to do and get away with blaming your customer. But with surprising regularity, taxi drivers fail to find either the place you want to be picked up or the destination you’ve given them. That wouldn’t be so bad if they would admit they were at fault … but it’s always the customer’s fault!

HOW DARE I LIVE IN A STREET YOU CAN’T FIND!
HOW DARE I WANT TO GO TO A PLACE YOU DON’T KNOW!

Well, I gave you perfectly clear instructions, fuckstick. If you can’t follow simple directions, MAYBE taxi driver is a bad choice of profession for you!

The one saving grace for the black cab is that they’re in a different compartment of the vehicle to you, so you don’t have to put up with the incessant cheerfulness that is exhibited by the private cab driver. Just what kind of drugs are these arseholes on?

It’s 7am, and they’re in the mood for a fucking chat!

SHUT UP!

I’m not even one coffee into the day yet! Talking to me in this state WILL NOT END WELL.

I don’t want to know what time you started, what time you finish, who you had in your cab yesterday, what the weather is supposed to be doing this weekend or any other drivel you may find interesting in your current state of agitation. Just drive me where I want to go and keep your mouth shut! Please!

AND THAT INCLUDES WHISTLING.

Is it a pre-requisite for private cabbies that they are able to whistle their way through every track on Heart Fucking FM’s current playlist? It’s almost like the cabbies are given early copies of all the tunes so they can get to the right annoying standard of whistling for when the playlists are updated.

Their range is unbelievable! From Marvin Gaye to Coldplay! From Duffy to Queen! ANY tune on that abomination of a radio station that seems to be the chosen soundtrack for every one of them is whistled from beginning to end with that annoying, unnecessary cheeriness that only they and (ironically) Heart FM DJ’s seem to have mastered.

It’s surprising to me that so few taxi drivers are the subject of road-rage, passenger initiated attacks and even the victims of serial killers. Because, for me they’re up there with Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan on the list of the top 10 annoying people on the planet.

~ by mistershouty on August 20, 2010.

Posted in General Misery, People Skills