MisterShouty

Every office has one. You know who I’m talking about. And if you don’t, chances are it’s you.

It became clear to me very early on in my life that there are way more imbeciles in this world that there are intelligent people and the best way I could come to terms with this was to think that I could easily avoid the proles with minimum effort.

This has been true for the most part. My family’s gene pool is sufficiently chlorine-free, so there are no real risk of having to interact with morons there. My social life consists of a few people I’ve known since school and university, plus a larger group of friends made through work. So again, not a huge element of idiocy there and people can be easily vetted and removed if necessary should it be discovered that anyone has been feigning intelligence and is in fact, a fuckwit.

But. The one place over which I have no control is my workplace. Every office in which I have worked has been filled to the brim with a pretty high standard of intelligent people. Maybe it’s the industry in which I work, but there are generally very few people that would even appear on my Moron Radar.

That being said, there is ALWAYS one complete freak of nature that seems to be coasting his way through office life, doing next to no work, making IDIOTIC comments all day, every day and generally making everyone around him wonder just how he managed to get the job in the first place. Is there some law, tied in with all of the anti-discriminatory laws that forces every company to hire at least one fucktard? Hell, if there is, it’s probably not even just one! It’ll be a PERCENTAGE.

Well, as you don’t meet the standard requirement that 2% of your workforce must be clinically retarded, you simply MUST be discriminating against them!

And it’s completely impossible to sack these people. With the amount of red tape, paperwork and political correctness that now envelops our working environment, an attempt to fire someone for being a total asstard is always met with the same list of ridiculous requirements:

• Have they failed to meet their mutually agreed quarterly goals?
• Have they been told about this and asked politely to try to improve on two separate occasions?
• Have they been offered special training for the areas in which they are lacking?
• Have they attended said training courses for a minimum of 6 months and showed no progress?

It’s a shocking state of affairs when you can’t simply fire someone for being incompetant. You’re looking at a minimum of 9 months before you can even START the procedure to fire one of these tossbags.

I really don’t know exactly how they get the jobs in the first place, but there is always the possibility that the person doing the hiring needs a way to make himself look good. I’ve found that, especially in very large companies, actually GETTING SHIT DONE is very much a low priority in the minds of certain members of the management. Their number one priority is being viewed as an absolute guru of their field by their superiors.

I have seen projects crumble under the strain of what can only be described as idiotic managerial decisions. It often seems that the ONLY way in which failure can be achieved on such a huge scale is by conscious manipulation from a high level … because while Success is good for everyone, Failure can be VERY good for certain individuals.

I have seen people in managerial positions force bad decisions through based on the work of the office retard. The very retard that they employed. And of course, when the failure becomes imminent, it’s that same manager that reports the failure first, with the uncanny ability to predict what will fail next so that the project can be pulled before any more embarassment … saving The Company MILLIONS!

And there lies the Holy Grail of the Management Guru.
If you save your company an arseload of cash, you’re made for life.

Is this the reason behind the blatantly terrible decision to employ at least one utterly useless waste of skin in every office?

We’ll probably never know. All we know is that we will have to continue to work opposite a drooling, mush-brained, monotone halfwit, safe in the knowledge that no matter how many times he fucks up, no matter how many projects he kills, his job is safer than that of every other employee in the building.

~ by mistershouty on September 27, 2010.

Posted in General Misery, Office, People Skills