Grammar 102
Yes, it’s that time again!
There is a whole collection of bad grammar occurrences that I see on a daily basis. Individually, I don’t suppose any of them is annoying enough to warrant a rant. But when you consider them as a whole, or indeed as a list, there is definitely reason to vent.
“Fewer”
If pressed for a figure, I think I would guess that 40% of the population of the UK know when to use the word “fewer” rather than “less“. The biggest culprit in this example is supermarkets with their “9 Items Or Less” signs all over the checkouts, but citing someone else’s mistake is NOT a way of excusing yourself. I don’t find it surprising that the employees that get the signs made for these supermarkets have a rather loose grasp on the English language. Surely, had they been privy to a level of eductaion higher than year 6, they would have a better job! What astounds me is that so FEW people recognize it as an error.
The concept is not difficult to grasp:
“Less” should be used when referring to something that either has no plural or cannot be counted.
ie. Money, Time, Water, Velcro
“Fewer” should be used when referring to things that do have plurals or can be counted.
ie. Items, Apples, Children, Sheep
Using “Less” in place of “Fewer” might not sound as bad as using “Fewer” in place of “Less“, but the error is exactly the same and is extremely easy to avoid.
OK, next is the incorrect placement of the apostrophe. Again, a very simple thing that is done wrong ALL THE TIME. The apostrophe has two functions. It either serves as a replacement of letters removed when using a contraction …
eg. “Do not” becomes “Don’t”. The apostrophe takes the place of the removed “o”.
Or it denotes posession.
eg. “That supermarket’s sign is gramatically incorrect.” The apostrophe tells us that the sign belongs to the supermarket.
Now, if the apostrophe is excluded, posession is no longer implied and the added “s” makes the word a plural and the sentence no longer makes sense gramatically. However, the main cause of annoyance is the use of the apostrophe when it is NOT required.
eg. Apple’s 50p per pound.
… and I use a grocer’s error as my example for a good reason. This improper use of the apostrophe is actually known as “The Greengrocers’ Apostrophe” as it seems that they knowingly use it incorrectly on a widespread basis. I don’t really care what their excuse may be. For me, it is sheer bloody-mindedness coupled with the desire to annoy as many people as they can on a daily basis.
“Apple’s” is bad enough, but the one that really gets on my nerves is on signs for potatoes. The word is clearly ready for any and all situations you can throw at it! It even has an extra “e” before the “s” that makes the potato plural that makes it completely obvious that this IS the plural form of the word and requires no further adjustments.
But the idiot grocer has to have his way and make it “potato’s” or even worse, “potatoe’s”! It is this widespread idiocy that is central to my rants about grammar!
I’m not a grammar Nazi – I don’t listen for the smallest errors in people’s speach and mock them or chastize them whenever possible. But constant repetition of the same errors … and the subsequent acceptance of those errors into “accepted” language really does irritate me. These grammatical rules – especially in the example of the apostrophe – are there to make the language easier to use. Corruption and blatant ignorance of these rules will only ever serve to increase the confusion.
More and more often, I seem to notice errors in spelling and grammar in what are supposed to be official letters and emails from banks, websites, shops … and there’s one Nigerian general whose grammar is ALL OVER THE PLACE. Although, to be fair, he IS Nigerian, so I’ll let him off.
The tautology is another pet hate of mine. The use of expressions that contain redundant repetition of words or meanings. For example, many people refer to their 4 digit identifier when using their debit card as their “PIN Number” …
The “N” stands for “Number“! Don’t say “Number” as well. You sound like an IDIOT!
I suppose you’re off to the ATM Machine to use your PIN Number so you can go and buy a DVD Disk. People that use these acronyms are said to be suffering from “RAS Syndrome“. That is, “Redundant Acronym Syndrome … Syndrome” and unfortunately, there is no cure.
The most common example of a tautology concerning repetition of meaning rather than of word is probably “Free gift” – Um, when is a GIFT NOT free? It’s a GIFT or it’s a FREE ITEM. Again, it seems that the supermarket is putting in the effort in order to contribute to the lowering of the general public’s IQ.
Finally on this subject, a quick word on marriage proposals.
The phrase you’re groping for … um … for which you are groping … is “Will you marry me?”
NOT “WOULD you marry me?”
“Would” is the conditional tense of the verb in question. Asking if a person WOULD marry you is like asking whether they would give up a kidney if asked!
“Well, yeah! Why not! … But you’re not ACTUALLY asking, right??!”
If I were ever confronted with this question, I would be obliged to answer in the following manner:
“Would you marry me?”
“Why yes, I would! … If you had enough of a grasp on the English language to pass for human in public, but clearly you don’t. Now, get the fuck out of my face, you repulsive simpleton.”
MisterShouty 