Software Heuristic Immaturity Theory
Over my many years of working in an engineering environment, I feel that I have become something of an expert in certain areas. Mostly, through the observation of management techniques, I have become extremely knowledgable in the processes required to produce inferior software and to maximize failure on all levels. I’m not a selfish person. I like to “share the love“. So, here is the model I’ve developed to increase everyone else’s expertise in this area:
Software Heuristic Immaturity Theory.
Phase I – Setup
Step 1: External Processes.
First and foremost, the company must … and I mean MUST have a large number of processes imposed upon it by external bodies. This is essential to this element of this model: Completely Ignore All Processes Imposed Upon You By External Bodies.
Step 2: Internal Processes.
Also essential is the creation of internal processes by which the management attempt to control and document the productivity of each department, right down to the tiniest of details. Processes created by product management must be seen to be followed to the letter on a management level. Furthermore, on a departmental level, all such processes are to be fully understood such that productivity figures and test results can be falsified in order to make it look like these processes are followed.
There’s simply no point in creating a lie if everyone is not in on it. Failure to conceal the lack of adherence to said processes will inevitably result in further scrutiny from project management and can lead to dangerously effective changes to them … while the belief that their processes are being followed will negate their need to assess the quality of the product, under the assumption that their processes are infallible.
Many believe that the key to truly terrible software is the complete inflexibility of actually adhering to the processes put in place by project management. While it is true that this will probably ultimately lead to failure, the fact that ANY process is being followed at all still makes it less likely to fail than a model which lacks process altogether.
Step 3: Work Harder, Fuckhead.
This step addresses confidence and morale levels within the workforce. These are both minimized with one simple monthly meeting chaired by the CEO or in his absence, the biggest cheese available. During this meeting, the staff are to be told simultaneously that they are doing brilliant work … but it’s not good enough – work harder for longer; that shares and profit margins are on the rise … but you personally are not to expect any kind of payrise or even bonus payments; and most importantly, that there are many ambitious plans for the future … but they don’t really include you because your jobs are in danger. This careful balance of bollocks and bullshit will keep the workforce in the perfect state of mind to create truly awful code.
Phase II – Workflow
Step 1: Impossible Promises.
Project Management make delivery date promises to the customer that simply cannot be met. They then proceed to blame the development team when these dates are not met.
Step 2: Impossible Demands.
The software developers should be conditioned to deliver code weekly, but always 3 days later than the agreed date. At the same time, the customer should be promised by Project Management that they will be delivered this new code, fully tested on the day of it’s expected delivery. This decreases the available test time to zero and reduces the customer’s confidence in the company to new extremes of low. This is a radical step only undertaken by companies in a desperate rush to fail. It should be overlooked by those with any scruples at all.
Step 3: Maximum Confusion.
Constant, simultaneous changes to all aspects of the code, it’s specifications, it’s features, integrated functionality, hardware, any web interfaces used and test environment utilities. This will make it practically impossible to track down why any failures occur in new releases. The root causes of bugs will be totally lost in the confusion of what has changed, where and why. If this complete bedlam is not possible at any time, a bare minimum of integrating bug fixes at the same time as new features should always be achieved.
Phase III – Downfall
In the final phase, the finishing touches really make the difference.
Step 1: More Impossible Than Before.
Project Management continue to insist that impossible delivery dates can be met, but now a two-pronged attack is implemented whereby they also begin to promise more, new products to existing and new customers. This increases the pressure on the workforce, creating an environment that is excrutiating to work in. At this stage, even those still with high enough morale to WANT to produce good results are impeded completely.
Step 2: Quite simply, overwork.
The unprecedented levels of work come inevitably with management’s insistence that everyone has been coasting along, slacking off for most of the working day so far and that nobody has any reason whatsoever to complain about the extra work. Management should proclaim that, in the event of the workforce not being able to meet their impossible deadlines within the confines of a normal 35 to 40 hour week, the workforce should simply work more hours for the same pay. The genius of this step is that, not only does it put everyone involved into an advanced state of exhaustion, but it also further negatively affects morale and will even prompt many resignations. It is this snowball effect that is the ultimate goal of the entire system.
Step 3: Golden Parachutes.
Your goals as a manager are fulfilled. Tap yourself on the back, rest easy in your big comfy chair, get out the brandy and cigars. You can do no more here. All that is left for you to do is abandon the sinking ship that you’ve just finished turning into swiss cheese, grab the payout that the upper management, shareholders and CEO will throw your way and (if you’ll pardon the mixed metaphor), leap from the company, deploying your beautiful, shiny Golden Parachute.
This will float you safely down to the ground, most likely landing in the golf-course-sized swimming pool you’ve just had installed into the grounds of your brand new 2 million pound mansion. Careful on the landing though – as you’ll be weighed down by the weight of the many other millions of pounds the dying company just threw at you.
And now, just relax… retire even. Why the hell not!? You earned it. If you’re lucky, you may even be able to sit sipping that brandy in the grounds of that mansion, watching the bodies fall from the sky as many of the poor, helpless bastards you screwed over try to escape the company before it crumbles right out from beneath their feet.
MisterShouty 