Don’t Be A Dick In The Office
Long-time readers of this blog will know that I, for my sins, work in an office. I have ranted on this subject once or twice. In this post, I’m going to be using my hate of many of my co-workers to produce part two of my Guide To Non-Dickdom.
Again, 7 ways that you can reduce your dickness and annoy the people around you a little bit less every day.
You’re Welcome.
1. Phone Calls.
I’ve touched on part of this before. If your mobile phone is not set to silent, for God’s sake, stop leaving it on your desk when you wonder off for a meeting or a shit. It’s really a huge dick move and it makes everyone hate you.
Also, if you’re calling someone’s desk phone and don’t get an answer within 5 rings, it’s pretty clear that they’re not there. Don’t just let it ring for minutes at a time – and don’t call back immediately when it times out. When you do this, people around the desk you’re calling simply turn the phone’s ringer off. So really, your call is more likely to be missed!
And finally in this part, if you’re on a conference call, and someone near you is dialled in as well, you REALLY should NOT have the call on loudspeaker. When people do this – and believe me, it happens a lot – it becomes simply impossible to work anywhere near them.
2. Meeting Prolonging; or The Columbo Effect.
I hate meetings – as you may know. But what I hate more than the meetings themselves are the dicks that purposely ask stupid question after stupid question when meetings are close to finished. This “Columboing” of meetings – insisting on bringing up ‘one more thing’ over and over again, just when you think the damn meeting is finally over can extend these hellish meetings for up to an hour, seemingly with the only goal being the wasting of time, so when they do finally get back to their desk, there’s less time left before they can go home.
This is NOT acceptible. There are 100 ways to waste time in an office. Why don’t you fill out one of the 50 current required surveys on the company’s intranet, go hide in a toilet cubicle and catch up on your Twitter feed, or – God Forbid – do some fucking work?
All of this can be done without ruining MY day in the process.
3. Re-Lenders.
The amount of time I spend chasing pieces of equipment and tools that people have borrowed from me is ridiculous. But not because I don’t know who I lent stuff to. It’s because people seem to think that, once they have MY tool in their hands (… um, giggity?), they can then pass it on to anyone that asks without letting me know. And of course, the next person passes it on again … etc, etc.
Before anyone knows what’s going on, the tool is 6 people down the line and I have to spend a whole day tracking it down just so I can do a simple job. At the very least, you should just let the actual owner of the equipment know if you pass it on to someone else … or you will end up being refused when you ask, as people will see you as the dick that loses stuff.
4. Noise Spikes
A phenomenon with which I’m sure that anyone that works in an open office is familiar, this is when out of the usual irritating drone of background noise, suddenly the office becomes incredibly loud as several groups in rival meetings, discussions and phone calls start talking louder and louder to be heard over everyone else.
This tactic DOES NOT WORK. All that you achieve by competing for maximum volume like this is that you annoy everyone around you, and make people like me want to punch you in the throat.
When this phenomenon starts to happen, do us all a favour and make a TINY effort to continue speaking like a normal person rather than an overstimulated Dalek. And remember, it’s only the fact that you are joining in with the shouting that makes everyone else go up another 5 decibels.
Sidebar: So many of these “anti-dick” points I’m making could be avoided by simply being considerate to those around you. God, I hate people.
5. Email Chasers & Racers
In this matter, there are two types of people in the office. Normal people. And cunts.
Distilled to one sentence, if you send me an email and arrive at my desk before IT arrives in my inbox, asking “have you seen my email”, you deserve nothing but a slow painful death.
Overreaction?
No. This is an INTENSELY annoying activity carried out by a surprising percentage of people I’ve had to work with. What these people need to realize is that:
a) I’m not your bitch. I have anything up to 20 things to address at any given time – and NOTHING gets literally IMMEDIATE attention.
b) Your thing is no more important or urgent than those 20 other things I have on my To-Do List for the day.
c) Arriving at my desk to tell me to read the email you just sent will only annoy me – and make me put your thing to the bottom of my To-Do List for the day.
6. IM Assholes
Most workplaces have internal IM (Instant Messaging) systems, and these are incredibly useful when it comes to getting a quick answer to a simple question. It removes the need to wait until people are out of meetings in order to talk directly to them, or for them to answer their phone.
They are incredibly useful that is, until you get people that act like complete dicks by logging out of IM as soon as you message them!
Seriously, if you’re busy, just tell me you’re busy. Don’t sit there displaying that you’re available if you’re just going to go offline when someone tries to contact you. You’re just making yourself look bad.
… and finally, Esther:
7. EPLS … or Elaborate Packed Lunch Syndrome
Every day, more and more people start bringing bigger, more elaborate lunches to work. In principle, I have no issue with this … assuming that they don’t fill the entire office with the stench of whatever it is they are eating!
The way this is SUPPOSED to work is that you heat up your food in one of the microwaves provided, then fuck off to the canteen and eat it there.
But this IS NOT the way people do it. They unpack their 3 or 4 tupperware containers, each filled with a smellier concoction than the last, take it all over to the kitchen area to heat them up – taking a good 20 minutes, by the way – thereby extending their lunch break way beyond that of us normal people with our sandwiches – then bring the whole thing back to their desk, plate up and tuck in like they’re at their own kitchen table.
“How bad can it possibly be?” I expect you’re thinking. The answer is EXTREMELY bad. You know when that one guy you know brings egg salad or tuna sandwiches to the office? That’s pretty nasty, right? Now imagine that it’s not tuna, it’s smoked mackerel. It’s not on a sandwich, it’s fillets of smoked mackerel on a plate, heated up to intensify the smell, smothered in dressing and then set next to a vinaigrette-soaked salad. That is precisely a description of just ONE example of what I’ve had to put up with in the past.
Now, add to that another guy with a full home-cooked curry. Complete with garlic naan and onion bhajis.
People do this. Complete cooked meals at their desk, in the middle of an office of 100 people for which they seemingly have absolutely no consideration.
DICKS!
To sign off, I’ll reiterate what I said at the end of Part 1 of this guide to non-dickdom.
Please. You know who you are. Take this advice and stop annoying those around you. I fully accept that you probably don’t do it on purpose, but you are making life more and more unbearable for those around you on a daily basis.
Just take a second and think of others every now and then. You might well find that you’re part of the problem.
MisterShouty 