Headphones Use In The Office

•March 21, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I have never been able to immerse myself in my work in an office environment while being able to hear the general noisy chatting, overenthusiastic meetings, ringing phones and choking, sneezing, nose blowing, grunting, snorting and God knows what other noises eminating from my officemates. So I have always tried to avoid this by putting on a pair of headphones and drowning it all out with music.

I’m sure it’s no surprise to you that I don’t find it quite as simple as that.

Several issues arise in my attempted use of headphones in the office; the most irritating of which is the way that people seemingly wait until I put the headphones on, then decide that THAT is the time to come and talk to me! As if just seeing me put the headphones on is their cue to come and irritate me with idiotic questions and unreasonable requests.

Is it not plainly obvious that, if I am wearing headphones, I do NOT want to be disturbed? Should I put up a sign telling you to leave me alone? Because the way that I respond at the moment – in a CLEARLY annoyed tone – doesn’t seem to get the message across adequately.

Wearing headphones is NOT an indication that I have no work to do, and so am passing time listening to music. It is NOT EVEN an indication that I am engaged in an easy or unimportant task that requires less of my attention. I am putting the headphones on in order to isolate myself from the ear-shattering row that is seemingly the norm in these open offices, in order that I can concentrate on my fucking job. So please, leave me THE FUCK alone.

I’ve consulted friends on this subject and I usually get suggestions like “you should ALWAYS wear headphones so people realize that’s just what you do when you’re working …” But what these people don’t realize is that I’ve tried that – and I get CONSTANT interruption. And I mean CONSTANT.

I’ve gone as far as carrying out experiments in this area. I’ve spent a week never using headphones and noted the number of interruptions. Then spent a week with headphones all the time and noted the interruptions. The results are clear.

Without headphones, I get interrupted on average twice per hour.
With headphones, the interruption rate is TRIPLED.

I have even spent entire DAYS trying to listen to ONE 6 minute song all the way through – and failed. I’ve even noted the amount of time I achieved on each attempt before someone interrupted me – the LONGEST time was less than 2 minutes, with the average being less than 50 seconds. This is NOT something I’m imagining. It’s real and it’s incredibly annoying.

Adding insult to injury, we have the ways in which people think it’s either acceptible, or indeed entertaining, to get my attention when I’m wearing headphones. The fact that you’ve approached my desk will have alerted me to your desire to talk to me. If I don’t immediately disengage from my current activity, it’s because I’M BUSY. Can’t you give me 3 damn seconds to finish typing the sentence I’m halfway through?

I don’t need to be made a spectacle of by your idiotic fucking antics in an attempt to amuse the rest of the office. You’ve already annoyed me by coming to my desk within just a few damn seconds of seeing me put on headphones. Exaggerated waving or clicking of your fingers in front of my face, knocking on my desk, clapping down my ear or shaking my chair will not get you my attention any quicker, unless the kind of attention you’re looking for is getting my fist planted firmly in your fucking eye.

Posted in General Misery, Office, People Skills

Diminishing Responsibility, Part 1.

•March 20, 2014 • Leave a Comment

There are several examples in modern life of people putting labels on their behaviour, or taking certain actions at certain times in an attempt to remove all responsibility for the consequences of their behaviour. I’m sure you’re all nodding along in agreement and saying how annoying it is when people do that, but there are quite a few that are generally not things that I find annoy other people – it just seems to be me!

First …

“Baby On Board”

Let’s take a minute and work out what exactly this little sign that people display in the back of their car actually means, shall we? Most people that use this sign will tell you that it’s saying the following:

“There is a baby in this car. Please drive more carefully than normal.”

I have problems with this.

First, it assumes that I normally drive like a maniac who is likely to ram into any car within 20 metres of me at any given time.

Second, it assumes that I, as this maniac likely to hit them at any second, would be paying attention to signs in strangers’ cars and willing to modify my psychotic behaviour based on the fact that there’s a “baby on board” sign in the back window. Surely, if the car owner is so sure that we are all psychopaths, they should logically conclude that we wouldn’t give a shit about their kid! In fact, if I am indeed a such a psychopath, I’d probably enjoy hitting a car with kids in even more than any other vehicle! So, your stupid little sign is actually INVITING more attacks from the crazies that you’re clearly convinced are filling the roads than it’s preventing.

However, these arguments, while very valid, don’t really cover the whole issue here. There is the additional problem that, in most cases, the Baby On Board sign isn’t actually saying “We assume you drive wrecklessly, so start paying attention when you’re near me, because I have a baby in the car” at all, is it?

When I pushed such a person for a logical answer as to what their sign actually means, what they revealed is even more disturbing … and annoying.

“It means you should drive more carefully around us because, as parents with small kids, we’re very likely to be incredibly tired, stinking of urine, hating our life and massively distracted by the tortuous screaming eminating from our precious little packages in the car. Plus, as we have so many things to do in a given day, chances are we’ll be rushing to our destination and driving less carefully than you anyway!”

Well, this puts a whole new complexion on the issue, doesn’t it?

Your mildly patronizing “Baby On Board” sign just stopped being a REQUEST to drive carefully and became a WARNING that you’re a fucking menace to everyone else on the damn road. On the back of this evidence, we should all be calling for a complete ban on people driving cars while they try to supervize their offspring. I mean, for fucks sake, it’s illegal to drive whilst making a phone call – SURELY trying to control any number of wailing children whilst driving is TEN TIMES more dangerous than that.

But of course, this would never happen. We can’t say something that might offend someone who’s so special that they have managed to procreate. As you know if you’ve ever held a conversation with a parent, they are so much more important, informed and entitled than anyone else that they require nothing but adulation and special treatment.

So, I guess the sign in the window is after all the best option. Never let it be said that I’m not open to compromize.

In fact, I think it’s something I can really get behind … A sign in your car that lets everyone know that you’re exhausted, distracted and stressed is a GREAT idea! My only suggestion is that the wording be modified just a TINY bit from “Baby On Board” to “Cunt In Control”.

Agreed?

Posted in General Misery, People Skills

Social Ineptitude Part 1: Doors

•March 18, 2014 • Leave a Comment

What exactly is the fixed distance behind you that a person has to be in order for it to be expected that you hold a door open for them? I am confronted with this dilemma practically every day when entering and exiting the office at work. It seems to be a social convention of which everyone has been made aware, apart from me …

It’s gotten to the point that I actually speed up or slow down my approach to doors to make sure I am the right distance away from people for there to be no ambiguity at all! In my mind, if I can get through the door, and have the it fully closed of it’s own volition behind me, before the next person gets to it, I’m free of all responsibility! Otherwise, I open it and wait for them to catch up.

Of course, the problem is that I’m having to judge people’s walking speed without actually staring at them! Plus, I have to try to account for the possibility that people will speed up themselves in order to catch the door once I’ve opened it.

And there’s a whole bunch of other considerations depending on whether it’s a man or a woman following you.

If it’s a woman, how much speed might she be able to muster? You have to guage her shoe type and heel size.
Will she feel patronized or insulted if you judge it wrong and end up holding the door for 5, 6 seconds before she gets to it?
Do you look at her while she’s approaching? You have to make it clear that you’re holding it for her, but not end up gawping at her breasts …

It’s a fucking nightmare!

Most of the time, my speed-judging method means that I do hold the door for people – the action itself does not bother me (I’m not a complete social retard) – but I still often get caught in this limbo where, having judged the distance, I think I don’t need to hold the door … but then I notice the person grabbing the handle before it’s fully closed behind me, and I end up thinking that they’re thinking I’m a complete dick.

It’s possible (OK, likely) that I’m overthinking the situation and no one thinks I’m a dick for not holding the door … but that doesn’t stop me obsessing over it.

Posted in General Misery, Office, People Skills

Adverts – Part III

•June 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

The aspect of advertizing on which I’m fixating today is something that has slowly crept into every TV channel’s everyday behaviour. Constant self-promotion. Why do so many of these stations feel it is necessary to display their logo on screen at all times? Are we considered SO stupid that we are likely to forget which channel we are watching? Is it some attempt to brand everything appearing on the screen as their property? I just don’t understand the though process behind it. Assuming that these people have the capacity for thought, of course.

I’ve often heard people joking that ad breaks last so long that, by the time the show resumes, they’ve forgotten what they’re watching. However, the actual amount of time taken up by the break isn’t really what annoys me. I find it a little crappy that 30 minute programs are automatically given 40 minute slots on most channels now, but what actually gets to me is the addition of more and more new, unnecessary elements to that 10 minute break.

As the show you’re watching cuts to break – a process in which there is absolutely no care taken by the way. These channels just chop the shows up arbitrarily, regardless of whether a scene is actually ending or not – the first thing we get is the “This program is brought to you by …” message. It seems that almost no program can be televized anymore without some kind of tenuously-linked and/or insulting product being paraded before the viewer as it’s “sponsor“. How exactly a manufacturer of beer can be the “sponsor” of a TV show that was wholly created 20 years ago by the BBC, I’ve no idea. But this is what they tell us, so we have to just accept it. The insulting aspect comes with the choice of product, as it relates to the assumptions the channel are making about it’s viewers, but this is something I’ve ranted on before.

Once we’ve endured the sponsorship message, we are treated to a 1 second flash of the TV station’s logo. Clearly, this is included just in case you haven’t noticed the logo on the screen all through the program you’re watching AND have completely forgotten which channel you selected in order to watch the show in the first place.

Then, we have a couple of adverts for other shows on the channel. The same 2 adverts for the same 2 shows that they have been pedalling in every ad break, during every show, every day for as long as you can fucking remember. Basically, if you’ve been tuned to this channel for more than 6 minutes at any point in the last couple of weeks, you know all too well when these shows are on … and you CAN’T FUCKING WAIT for them to be on … just so the adverts for these episodes will finally stop!

Then another 1 second flash of the logo – again, in case we forgot – and finally, we’re into the irritating, condescending, insulting and patronizing shit that is the actual adverts.

And don’t forget – you have the whole process to look forward to again after these shitty products have been shoved down your throat, as it is repeated in reverse, creating some kind of evil video palindrome seemingly designed with the sole intention of annoying the shit out of the viewers to the point of psychosis.

And they all wonder why we hate them.

Of course, the irony is that people tend to sit with the remote control close at hand while watching TV these days anyway – for one of 2 reasons:

  1. So you can flick to something else while the adverts are on.
  2. So you can fast-forward through the adverts – as you recorded the show with the sole PURPOSE of skipping them.

Either way, it still perplexes me that every commercial TV station obsesses over their use of adverts, with the assumption that people are actually watching them! It’s yet another example of people’s ego and self importance telling them that they are as important as they think they should be, despite the massive evidence to the contrary. Poor, deluded bastards.

Posted in Consumer, General Misery, Media Hype, People Skills
Tags: ,

Mini Rant: Meeting Request!

•June 13, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Office life can be annoying at the best of times, whether you’re having to deal with the office retard, unacceptable levels of noise or the constant stream of red tape and paperwork. But one thing that really pisses me off – and happens at least once every week – is when people mark me as a required attendee to a meeting that they have booked for outside of our working hours.

This company pays me to be here from 8am to 5pm every day. It’s a long enough working day already without these pricks booking meetings from 430 to 530, or from 5 to 6.

I could understand it if the other attendees were all fully booked all day and the meeting is to addess some matter of great urgency that can’t be discussed early the next day, but this is simply never the case. They book these late meetings regardless of whether everyone was available earlier, or whether they could just be postponed to the next day – and as far as I can tell their motivation is simply to avoid going home!

Clearly these people have either married a total bitch and want to keep away from her for as much of their life as possible, or they have planted some Demon Seed in her belly and she has spawned a 21st Century Damien, leading them to do everything in their power to keep away from the house until the evil little cunt-turd is in bed!

Well, you can go ahead and work until midnight every day if that’s what you want. But don’t include me in your misery. Enjoy your meeting. I’ll be at home, relaxing with my thoughts.

And yes. That IS a euphamism.

Posted in General Misery, Office, People Skills

Never Lie To A Woman

•June 12, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Today, here at MisterShouty, I’d like to change tack a little and offer some free advice to all of the guys out there that think it’s a good idea to lie to their lady.

DON’T!

It’s wrong, damaging to the trust you have nurtured within your relationship, hurtful when you are caught and most importantly, futile – You will ALWAYS get caught. Because women lie SO MUCH that they can smell your lie 100 yards away.

An extremely common cause of friction between heterosexual couples is the assertation by the woman that, no matter what upsetting action the man has carried out, it’s the fact that he lied about it that REALLY hurts. The ladies have this unshakable belief that dishonesty is worse than just about anything else.

Now the thing is, when a man lies, 9 times out of 10 it’s just so he can get some alone time or enjoy some sports event in the company of other men … or yes, so he can get away from his lady for an evening. OK, there are men that would also use this time to enjoy the attention of other ladies. They account for the remaining 1 out of 10. My point is that a man’s lie is just about always small and inconsequential.

“I have to work late” translates to “I’m going to the pub for a pint with workmates”
“I’ll do it in a minute” translates to “I’ll pretend to forget you asked me to do it”

Basically, as a man, I can tell you that really we just want to relax and do something fun or interesting. You ladies are constantly planning time consuming tasks, obligatory evenings with your annoying friends, remodelling and/or redecorating of the house and God knows what else, when all we want to do it pop open a beer and watch Breaking Bad.

So yeah, a couple of small lies here and there are utilized to claim we’re busy doing something else so we don’t have to listen to your moron friend talk about how awesome she is at her shitty job despite her boss being an asshole or sand, strip, paint and wallpaper every fucking room in the house because they don’t tally with this season’s colours. It’s only natural and really mostly your own fault.

Now, women …

That’s a whole different ball game. Not only do women lie constantly and persistently about almost everything, the magnitude of the lies makes man’s feeble attempts look like child’s play! The lies are so ingrained in women that they do it even without speaking. When you look at an average woman, without saying a word, she is lying about the colour of her hair, the tone of her skin, the shape of her lips, the size and shape of her breasts, her height, her weight, sometimes even her eye colour … the list goes on.

It seems that every women’s product is designed to be another way to lie to everyone in their life. From their man to their family, to their workmates and friends, right through to strangers on the street!

A man might comb and/or style his hair to make himself look neat. But a woman will die, wax, mould, burn and lacquer their hair into place, often with extra store-bought hair clipped into place and then parade around expecting people to believe that that’s what they actually look like!

The same with make up. The average advert for “foundation” basically says … “Hey ladies. Your actual skin looks like an alligator that’s sat out in the sun way too long. Cover it up completely with this!” The very same women that bitch about models being photoshopped in magazines will slather this shit over every millimetre of their face just in case someone sees their real skin.

Basically, the function of make up for these women, from foundation to blusher, eye liner, lipstick and everything in between is to cover their real face with a blank canvass of foundation and then draw on the face that they wish they had.

I’ve known women that just look fabulous because of this and they get all sorts of compliments … “You’re stunning!”, “Is that your partner? She’s really pretty!”

Well, no she’s not. She’s completely and overwhelmingly average. But she’s good at lying. All of this? Fake. She’s one wash away from hippo.

I’m really sick of woman acting all self righteous and then grabbing attention with all of this fakery. But no one ever calls them on it!

I’m not what you’d call anti-make up, but please just admit that what you’re doing when you go the whole hog with foundation etc is hiding the fact that you’re pretty unpleasant to look at without it.

Posted in Consumer, General Misery, Media Hype, People Skills

Ladettes & Equality For Women?!

•June 11, 2013 • Leave a Comment

For me, there is nothing less appealing than a gaggle of drunk girls bellowing at each other across the street or across the room in a bar or restaurant, threatening to vomit at any second. Probably the worst thing to come out of the “ladette” culture in the last 10 years or so, nothing makes me sadder than the plummeting values and self-respect in the 18 to 30 age range of women.

The irony that is lost on all of them is that they are the very people that complain that men don’t respect them anymore; that men are this sub-species to the all-powerful thing that is WOMAN. Well, sorry ladies – if it’s still even possible to call you that – rather than attempting to pull the men up to your level, you have slowly, but surely sunk down to theirs.

In a large city like London, you are just as likely to see a woman pissing in the street as a man these days – and surely that says it all. In many ways, these women have now surpassed the men in their disgusting behaviour. Partly because we still, as a reasonable member of society, expect some kind of dignity in the behaviour of what we once called “the fairer sex”, but mostly because of the classic overcompensation of becoming these disgusting, slutty lager louts after so many years of what I’m sure they view as deprivation of the luxury of getting wankered and passing out in a pool of their own vomit, only to wake up in a strange bed the next day to find 3 different orifices full of some stranger’s semen.

Is this what Emeline Pankhurst fought for?

Is this really the way that you should celebrate your relatively newly found equality?

Surely, it would be better to put your stamp on the world as man’s equal by gaining jobs that have been historically assumed to be “male”. Or lobbying for equal pay and respectful treatment of women in workplaces that don’t recognize their tendencies toward sexist attitudes?

No, what am I thinking? That’s crazy-talk.

The best way to put your stamp on the world as strong, independent women is to dress like a whore every Friday and Saturday night and go out and drink so much alcohol that you lose all basic motor skills and the ability to talk.

Seriously, no one really finds this behaviour attractive. The only reason it succeeds in getting you laid is that you’re easy. Plain and simple. By presenting yourselves as whores and getting wasted by 9pm, you’re putting yourself into the “easy pickings” category, previously only occupied by the truly ugly and mentally deficient, that lazy asshole guys prey upon for a quick cheap shag.

Maybe that’s what you’re after. But from the amount of slagging off of men that I’ve heard in the past – those exact kinds of men that shoot their load and run for the hills that you unwittingly target with your nasty behaviour – suggests otherwise.

Ladies, you used to be better than this.

For the sake of future generations … and the aching ears of your friends … Stop the whoring. Please.

Posted in General Misery, People Skills

Mobile Phones: Part 4 (aka Guide To Non-Dickdom: Part 1)

•June 10, 2013 • 1 Comment

There are already a few places on the internets where you can find posts on mobile phone etiquette. Generally, they talk about being loud in normally quiet places and responding to text messages quickly and the like. Now, while these are important, I feel that there are several areas that deserve more attention. So, that in mind, is my simple 7 step guide to mobile phone etiquette that, rather than helping you to avoid making people angry, will just stop you looking like a complete and total dick.

1. Texting After 10pm

In this day and age, a text is exactly the same as a phone call when it comes to the way it is seen as a type of communication. Especially a text which will start a new text conversation. It is an invitation to begin conversing, with an implication that the conversation will last at least 30 minutes. So, once it gets to 10pm, as far as I’m concerned, a text message should only be sent in emergency situations. All too often, people seem to think that it’s perfectly reasonable to text at all hours of the day and night. It’s not. The person may not tell you this, but when they receive that message, their first thought is “What DICK is texting me at this time of night?”

2. Call Screening

Something that many people do not seem to realize is that there is a massive difference between letting their phone ring until voicemail kicks in and hitting the “ignore” button. When you let the call go to voicemail, the caller has to wait through 20 to 30 seconds of ringing. When you hit “ignore”, the caller is instantly cut off and sent to voicemail. This may seem really obvious to some, but the caller can use this information to work out that they were just “ignored“. So, claiming later that you “missed” their call is a blatant lie and will make you look like a dick.

Similarly, if you are on the receiving end of an “ignore“, calling back straight away is another massive dick move. You were ignored because your call can’t be taken. However important you think you are, you will simply have to wait to be called back.

3. Quick Reply To A Missed Call Call Back

So, you just tried to call someone and they missed your call. If they then call back within a couple of minutes, you should be ready to answer. OK, if it’s been five minutes, the “Missed Call Call Back” window has closed and your phone could very possibly be back in your pocket, left in the fridge or dropped in a toilet. But, in order to avoid Dickdom, a missed call call back within 2 or 3 minutes should always be answered. One of the most severe causes of frustration in this modern world is knowing that someone just tried to call you, but not being able to get them to answer their phone to find out why.

4. Mass Texts

If you’re the kind of person that sends mass text messages to groups of people on any occasion other than Christmas and New Year, I’m afraid you’re already a dick and there’s nothing I can do to fix that. However, you can minimize your dickness by structuring your mass texts in such a way that you avoid people realizing it’s a mass text. Starting with a greeting such as “Hey!”, “Yo!” or “Dude!” is a big give away. If this was just to one person, you wouldn’t begin with the guy’s name, so don’t do it here either! Just launch into the meat of the message. “Are you coming to the party friday?” is the perfect example of a mass text that can’t be detected as mass.

5. Wearing Handsfree/Bluetooth Headsets When Not In Use

A quick one – Don’t. You look like an idiot.

6. Appropriate Length Of Voicemail Messages

Leaving a voicemail message is a good way of getting the basic intent of your call to the recipient when they are busy. But this should be limited to ONE sentence! Don’t go rambling on for 5 minutes. No one is going to even listen to that. And if you’re leaving a message for a friend, DON’T take the time to leave your name or number! The person has you in their phone’s contacts! They will know who you are just by the missed call notification (duh).

In fact, I’d go further and say that the only non-dick reason to leave a voicemail is to leave your name if the recipient doesn’t have your details in their phone. Again, stating your number isn’t necessary unless you’re witholding it (which also makes you a dick).

7. Hilarious Ringtones & The Law Of Diminishing Returns

Something to remember: Silence is the new cool ringtone.

“Funny” ringtones stopped being funny 10 years ago. Get over it.

Having our phones set to vibrate is the only way to a peaceful future for humanity. Ringtones, if we do not stamp them out, will be our downfall. Even the shortest of SMS/email notification tones grate on the nerves of everyone in your vicinity. Especially if you’re the kind of dick that maximizes the incoming messages to your phone in a vain attempt to make people think you’re popular and/or indispensible. We all know that 99% of the messages are facebook and twitter updates from the hundreds of people you’ve friended and followed. You’re kidding no one.

A simple way to ensure that you don’t become a dick in this manner is to remember one thing whenever you go into your phone’s settings to change tones. People thought the Crazy Fucking Frog was funny 10 years ago. Just as funny as you think your new tone is right now.

Stop. It’s for your own good.

This concludes the first part of my irritable man’s guide to non-dickdom.
Now, go forth and be a little less annoying to everyone in your life!

You’re welcome.

Posted in Consumer, General Misery, Office, People Skills
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Drama Kings & Queens

•April 17, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Some people seem to think that their lives aren’t worth living unless they are constantly in a state of panic, annoyance or outright rage. It is so irritating to have to spend time and associate with people that are simply never just happy with being calm.

I guess what I call calm, others might call boring. I’ve often heard these kinds of people say that they find it just about impossible to sit and do nothing for any amount of time. Hell, I’ve spent time on aeroplanes between the UK and the US with one of these people and he was an absolute fucking nightmare. The inability to even sit and watch a 90 minute movie without having to be up and down out of the seat, visiting the toilet just for something to do … I’m not sure anything can even be done for these psychopaths.

But by far, the most annoying thing about them is the way that they will go out of their way to create a stressful situation in their life, JUST SO they can worry, rant, yell and overreact about it, making the lives of the people around them miserable.

I guess what I’m talking about is self-imposed sanctions people take on, knowing that the goal is impossible, only to whinge, complain and blame everyone else when they are not met.

These drama kings and queens need to reprioritize and get some perspective in their lives. Unfortunately, they are the same people about which I have posted in the past. People that can’t see past their own irrational needs. People that see themselves as the centre of the universe and simply can’t understand why others don’t view them that way as well. I would suggest that some re-education is in order, but I think their mindset is a result of years, if not decades of reinforcement of this shitty behaviour from their parents and others around them that don’t have the balls to call them on it.

I stopped being one of those people that don’t have the balls to call them on it a while ago now and I have to say that, while the subject’s behaviour hasn’t really changed in general, my life seems to have collected a lot less of his stress and fewer of his rants in recent months. His life can still be viewed as one very long, very depressing episode of Eastenders, but thankfully, I’m no longer one of his co-stars!

So, this rant really turned out to be more of a public service announcement! If your life is regularly snarled up by an egotistical asshole imposing his idiotic rules on you and your friends, just so he can increase his self-importance and tell you off when stuff isn’t done, I suggest that you call him on it and make him take a good look at how he treats his “friends”.

Of course, the most difficult step is often identifying this negative force in your life for what it is. If you’ve been friends with someone for ten years and they’ve never been any different, it’s not always easy to recognize that their behaviour isn’t tolerable. What clinched it for me was looking at the text messages I received from him and realizing that every one was a request for something, rather than a friendly invite to hang out, or an inquiry as to how MY life is going …

Take a look at your own friends’ last 15 or 20 messages – you may be surprised at what you see.

Posted in General Misery, People Skills

Cyclists

•June 25, 2012 • Leave a Comment
Yeah, cyclists. This is probably an obvious one, but I feel it needs saying …
 
I know I’m not usually one to worry about making sweeping generalizations when it comes to the objects of my disdain, but I feel it necessary to say that this is really just about the IDIOT cyclists out there, not all of them as such. I’m sure some do make an effort to be considerate and … well, NOT idiots, but the fact is I’ve not come across any of them yet.
 
Let’s start with the main one, shall we?
 
WHY is it legal or even considered correct by ANYONE in this country for cyclists to use the road? Not only is it dangerous for the cyclists, it is a huge source of danger to the people using the roads for their actual purpose. That is, means of transport that ARE capable of more than 20 miles per hour.
 
These first class morons cycle nonchalantly along, a metre or two away from the curb, swerving randomly into the flow of traffic and causing a great deal of sudden braking. If they can’t even point the damn things in one direction and stick to it, should they really be considered safe enough to share a road with vehicles big and heavy enough to crush their skulls right inside their puny plastic and styrofoam helmets?
 
If there is no cycle lane, I firmly believe that it should be illegal for these people to even set tyre on the road. They are nothing but a nuisance to traffic and a danger to everyone involved.
 
The worst thing is, you don’t even have to put up with these fuckheads just once, because once you pass them, the next time you hit a set of traffic lights or are slowed down by a bus or just general flow of traffic, there they are again! Weaving back and forth from the curb to the middle of the lane, pushing past everyone that had to negotiate their way past THEM just thirty seconds ago.
 
Being stuck on a stretch of road with slow moving traffic and a cyclist is a hell unlike any other on this earth. They need to stick to cycle lanes and the pavement, where they’re amongst the rest of the people moving between 10 and 20 miles per hour and the most damage they can do is graze a knee.
 
Let’s make this post a rant sandwich of sorts … I’ll separate the 2 sections of shouting with some random niceness!
 
I’ve heard this cyclist argument in many forms over the years and it seems that you can’t get more than five minutes into it without some idiot bringing up the fact that they don’t pay road tax. Now look, two things. First, bicycles do not cause wear and tear to roads. Their tyres are made of rubber and they generally carry a maximum of 200 pounds. If the roads are really suffering because of them, it’s the road’s problem! And second, the idiots that say cyclists should be paying tax are the exact same idiots that piss and moan about how much tax THEY are forced to pay and would be the FIRST to get out of any kind they could. So, do me a favour and shut the fuck up.
 
OK, wasn’t all that nice, but anyway … re-focusing, the other aspect of cyclists behaviour that I hate specifically comes from people I have worked with in offices.
 
Cycling to work does NOT give you the right to work an hour LESS than everyone else! These people leave their homes at the same time as if they were driving, arrive at the office 20 minutes late and then proceed to use the work’s shower facilities to wash off the stench before actually starting work!
 
Now, come on! ANY OTHER REASON given for consistently arriving late and then deciding to take a 20 minute shower before strolling up to your desk an hour after your start time would be regarded as bullshit and you’d get a severe bollocking. But NO! Stating for the whole office to hear that you cycled to work always gets an impressed look followed by a series of comments in admiration, even from their supervisors.
 
Yeah, fine! You’re getting/keeping fit by biking to work but seriously, if you arrive late every day because of it, you should be reprimanded like you would be for any other excuse!
 
Why is THAT excuse considered differently to, for example, getting in late every day because you enjoy a leisurely breakfast? Or a visit to Starbucks on your way to work?
 
It’s a double standard and I’m sick of having to observe it every damn day of the week! In my opinion, it’s just as bad as watching the smokers in the office taking a ten minute break out of every hour to get their fix, yet still leaving on time! I guess that’s a rant for another day …

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