Popular Science 101

•July 6, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Hawking
Dawkins

… Cox?

My big problem with popular science is that much of the general public is simply too stupid to understand what they’re being told and, as it has been said many, many times over, a LITTLE knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Having had conversations with people following their viewing of these Popular Science programs … “Bang Goes The Theory”, “The Wonders Of The Universe” and so on … I have come to the belief that they are simply better off knowing nothing.

They watch this half hour of AT BEST Year-5-Level Science, and they are suddenly of the opinion that they are now experts in the field in question and start spouting their half-understood soundbytes in an attempt to seem more intelligent than they actually are. In fact, they are simply exposing their lack of knowledge by half-quoting the bits they kind of understood and getting most of it completely wrong.

I don’t just blame the viewers, of course. The shows themselves attempt to present complex concepts in bite-size segments, often distilling them to a mere sentence or two.

While it’s not wholly inaccurate to say that it has been observed that all of the stars within sight of our planet are getting further apart and this implies that, extrapolating backwards through time, everything in the universe was once very very close together … and THIS is the basis of the big bang theory … failing to actually explain the process of moving from observation to conclusion has a crippling effect on the attempted education of the great unwashed masses.

Half of those that DO follow everything these terrible programs tell them end up with gaping holes in their knowledge which are invariably filled with their own idiotic ideas. The other half end up believing that the gaps in the show’s narrative are simply due to gaps in the knowledge of the entire scientific community and so begin denouncing everything the program HAS said as hogwash! This is often in favour of the much easier to believe religious view that everything was merely made by MAGIC. Some guy with a white cloak and whispy beard waved his magic wand and everything just APPEARED! And THIS is the explanation they favour as it fills all of it’s own gaps with even more bollocks!

And so, the viewers of these abortions of “scientific” programs come to rest in a state of mental flux. They believe that they no longer know nothing about the subject. Well, I’ll give them that. They are right!

They now know NEXT TO nothing!

“Flux”? I hear you ask. Well, I chose that word very carefully as it embodies another of the annoying things about Popular Science and the way it is presented to the public.

You understood what I meant. The state of flux leaves them in neither one definite state nor the other. The general, everyday understanding of the word “flux”. The thing is, “flux” doesn’t mean that at all when it comes to the actual scientific definition.

To a scientist, “Flux” means either of the following:

1. Scalar quantity – the rate at which electromagnetic energy flows through a surface.
2. Vector: the amount (eg. of heat/mass/fluid) that flows through a unit area per unit time.

OK, not as snappy or sound-bytey … they would probably need an entire half hour show just to explain that. To a certain extent, it is an understandable practise for these programs to dumb down to some extent – after all, they understand that their audience is dimmer than a 15 watt bulb and probably need help getting their pants on the right way round every morning – but popularizing scientific words with meanings that are nothing like their actual definitions only makes a bad situation worse!

It’s time that the makers of these television programs realized that the great uneduacated masses are better off living in ignorance. Attempting to enlighten them in any way only makes it harder for people with half a brain to continue living their lives among them.

Posted in General Misery, Media Hype, People Skills

Mini Rant: Pheromone Myth

•June 13, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Yeah, it’s rather a random topic for me to touch upon, but I think this is one of those myths that is so widely accepted as fact that it’s worth a quick mention (if not a rant!)

All too often, I hear people refer to pheromones in some context or other – and very often by friends that are otherwise quite intelligent. So, I do feel the need to state this once and for all, to anyone that cares enough to listen:

There has never been a single experiment performed which proved the existence of pheromones in humans.

Not one!

There was a woman working in the University of Chicago that claimed to have gained proof that a person’s pheromones could have physical effects upon others. She claimed to affect the menstrual cycles of women by exposing them to sweat-stained patches gained from other women at certain phases of ovulation. However, her methodology had a lot to be desired and her “results” are generally now considered to be hokum.

And it’s been pretty much the exact same story for everyone that has attempted to gather data on this subject.

I don’t doubt that perfume companies would love you to believe that pheromones are actually real. That they can affect the people around you with their dazzling array of scents. In fact, they work this subliminal suggestion into every one of their ads. For example, the Lynx line of deodorants that use nothing but the suggestion that their fragrances can turn the woman of your desires to putty in your hands!

This leads to part 2 of my pheromone irritation.

Pheromones are not the same as smells! That is to say, while some pheromones observed in insects do actually have smells, that doesn’t mean that every smell an insect, an animal or a person’s body produces is full of pheromones and work as mind control for anyone and anything in it’s immediate area!

Don’t get me wrong, I can attest that it’s certainly true that the smell of a woman can drive you mad with desire! But it’s not PHEROMONES at work there! It’s the smell of perfume or talcum powder, or something else delicately infused with the odour of flowers! … Or, as a recent study found, the smell of certain ingredients of her last meal coming from her sweat glands that are getting your horn blowing and your dander up!

People may think it’s not particularly sexy to be turned on by a girl because she’s just eaten a bacon sandwich (a view with which I vehemently disagree!), but I assure you it’s more likely that than her “pheromones”!

Posted in Consumer, Media Hype, People Skills

Mini Rant: A Little Live Music …

•June 10, 2011 • Leave a Comment

So, I just arrived home after deciding to go out and see some live music. Quite frankly, it wasn’t worth the petrol money.

What has happened to the UK music scene?

Here I am, in the epicentre of a massive music explosion in the 70’s, in the 80’s and in the 90’s … and all this town’s hottest club has to offer is a terrible Soul tribute band? Not even a GOOD Soul tribute band!

They honk their way through cliched song after cliched song, brass section missing their cues, EVEN THOUGH they’re reading the music right in front of them – another cardinal sin of this kind of performance as far as I’m concerned – keyboard player clanking duff notes through every riff he’s attempting to play, again from music he has 2 inches from his face … and the singer sounding like Tom Jones in desperate need of a shit.

Seriously?

I could have put together a better soul tribute band using only the people with which I was watching the gig! No, really. I could.

But far worse than the dire performance of the actual band was the incredibly annoying response from the crowd. They were LAPPING it up! Cheering, singing along … You would have thought it was the great James Brown himself on the stage! … Rather than the fat, balding idiot talking in a fake New York accent and trying to convince us he’s from “The Home Of Soul, Chicago!”

You fucking moron. If you’re going to lie to us about where you’re from for 2 hours, at least have the common decency to learn to mimick the right accent!

It was all I could do not to punch the idiot right in his stupid face as he announced “this is our last song – and ahhhhh’m gonna need some backing singers down heeeyahhh!” while the band fumbled their way through the intro to the MOST cliched song of them all – “Mustang Sally“.

All I can do is hope that he follows in the footsteps of all of the real soul legends … and fucking dies reeeeaaaal soooon!

Cunt.

Posted in General Misery, Media Hype

Curb Your Enthusiasm

•June 8, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Ten years ago, when comedy genius Larry David wrote the first season of the brilliant TV show, “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, that phrase was aimed directly at those people in our lives that are just constantly chipper and upbeat. People that grin constantly and talk about how great it is to be alive. Well, thanks for the pep talk, asshole, but let me lay a reality check on you.

Life, for everyone in this world, is a struggle. For some, it’s a struggle to have enough food to feed their family. For some, it’s a struggle to get that report handed in to the boss on time. For you, it’s a struggle to force yourself into thinking about anyone but yourself. You fill your life with the meaningless tripe and minutia of everyday existance, totally oblivious to the real, sobering events around you and all over the world.

But that’s not important because you have a funky new hat and have just got your nails done!

Every last bit of their severely limited brain power is trained upon obsessing over the mindless shite in tabloids – and of course, the bastard child of the tabloid – the glossy gossip magazine. Shelf-Litter. Soft porn for the truly stupid of society.

They need to wake up and realize that the world does not revolve around them. That there are in fact only two people on this planet that believe it does: them and their fucking mother!

Why is it that when people that see life for what it is – a miserable, endless, uncompromizing string of crushing disappointments, followed after an all-too-long wait, by the welcome release of death – are treated for depression while the terminally fucking cheerful are left to go on their overly merry way, completly oblivious to their surroundings and events unfolding across this world? These people are way more sick than the so-called “depressed” among us. The amazing irony of it is that people “suffering with depression” are given valium or some other such drug that makes THEM not give a shit about anything either!

Do I really have to state that his self centred, blinkered view of the world is NOT something to envy? Or to fucking promote?
Are there really more people out there that believe that nothing matters if it’s not directly related to them?

Well, that’s just great, but don’t you think you should at least spare one of your very few thoughts for the tens of thousands living in misery in the wake of recent earthquakes? Or do you truly believe that Jordan’s latest money-spinning lie about her sex life is actually more important than any of them?

You may argue that these meaningless events in the lives of the non-celebrities over which you obsess are merely distractions from the real world events that actually DO matter … and you are fully aware of the things that actually do affect the lives of the people around you. The thing is, I’ve simply never seen any evidence that this is the case. And I have looked! Really looked!

But all I see is the vacant, mindless stare coming from behind those dead eyes. Those dead eyes that only ever come to life when the fucking X Factor is on the TV or the press are peddling a new distraction from your obsession with the sex lives of footballers posessing heads that resemble vegetables.

Well, I suppose all we can really do (after we’ve had a good long moan) is leave them to to their fantasy in the belief that when they finally come crashing down to earth, they will fall harder and further than any of us normal people. And we can hope that as they reach for the light switch in the newly dark and depressing basement of their minds, the boney, calloused hand of the figurative retarded step-sister chained down there will drag them kicking and screaming by their hair into an endless well of depression from which no amounts of drugs will ever be able to retrieve them.

Posted in General Misery, Media Hype, People Skills

[Guest: Domino] New Car Buying Process and The “Quality” After Service

•June 8, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I was in the fortunate/unfortunate position of being able to purchase a brand new car, after engaging the first level bullshit filter when dealing with the salesman the actual ordering was relatively straightforward, but not without its issues – which should have warned me about what was to come.

Having checked a week later to confirm order placed I discovered that after going through the required options several times, not all of these had made it to the order.

The other problem is that this car was to replace an identical one that had been written off so I was very aware of a tyre / suspension combination problem with a particular Dunlop (or should that be Dunpoop) tyre. I was assured that there was little chance of the car arriving on this tyre – but there was no control over this  – with hindsight I should have got this assurance in writing.

Step forward to the delivery off the new car in Feb – itself earlier than planned – and guess what tyres it was fitted with  – yep the unwanted, unsuitable, crappy dunlops.

Dealer now states can’t / won’t do anything about the tyres. Now at this point  a letter is fired at the MD of the UK importers – with a copy of the letter sent regarding same issue on previous car, cue a customer service “person” who states that the car was set up at the factory (level 2 bullshit filter engaged during this conversation) – so it is now a case of when not if the problem occurs – 2000 miles later problem is developing (as expected by me)

Now the Customer service person says there is a Service bulletin to cover this problem and fix is under warranty – I ask when this was issued – no answer – but dealer service manager (needs a level 3 bullshit filter engaged during all conversations) says this was issued in Dec – a full 2 months before the CS told me there was nothing.

The CS person now does not remember the conversation had with me when stating the factory set it up (convenient) and no says factory can’t do this as he visited (before conversations with me) and knew this for himself.

The car is therefore booked in to have the alignment done – it goes from main dealer to someone else who has the right equipment to do this.

When the car comes back “correct” it now pulls to the left and has been put through a car wash so has a damaged alloy and paintwork – and because main dealer doesn’t have car wash it is now apparently my fault for not telling them not to use one.

It therefore has to go back in to have the “correct” alignment corrected a second time.

The main dealer gets the other dealer to fund replacing the alloy but claims swirl marks are a consequence of polishing not just a car wash (hence the level 3 filter) and implies that I should be grateful the wheel was replaced, so after expressing my severe displeasure vow never to return to that dealer again.

So I now have to go to the two expenses of putting suitable tyres on the car and getting a professional company to see if the paintwork can be saved on a car that is only 4 months old.

I will never buy another car from this brand that has a big promotion on “creating happy drivers” as it is such a lie.

Posted in Consumer, General Misery, Guest, People Skills

Share The Hate!

•June 8, 2011 • Leave a Comment

So, I’ve been ranting here for a while … and let me tell you, it’s a great way to relieve stress!

A couple of friends have started suggesting ranting topics – things that annoy. I thought it’d be a better idea for them to add their own anger-fuelled tirades rather than me trying to imagine why they are angry about the subject in question …

After all, I know that I’m not the only person in the world that’s full of frustration, bile and hate … so, I’m going to expand that idea and let anyone submit their rants to the site and I’ll post anything I deem angry, offensive or funny enough to meet MisterShouty’s high standards!

So, if you want to submit a rant, just email me at mistershouty@gmail.com or tweet me up @theshoutyone and I promise to consider everything I receive.

If you do send me something, please include your preferred “ranter name” under which you would like it published. If you forget to provide a “ranter name“, nothing will be uploaded to the site until I’ve checked back with you for one.

I look forward to sharing your pain!

MisterShouty

Posted in Consumer, General Misery, Media Hype, Office, People Skills, Sport, Uncategorized, Web

William & Kate: The Happy Couple

•April 26, 2011 • Leave a Comment

So, the Royal Wedding is upon us and I can definitely say, without fear of understating myself, that I do not give a shit.

For way too long, the media has been full of “William and Kate” this and “William and Kate” that and it’s gotten to the point where every time I hear another mention of it, I feel an overwhelming urge to punch someone.

Periodically, the media do this to us. They thrust stories upon us that they have deemed should be high in the minds of everyone in the country. Now, I don’t necessarily have an issue with this when they are talking about nuclear disasters in the far east or politics in the United States. Hell, I don’t even mind when they start on about the tedium of random events in the UK. But what I do object to is the emphasis placed upon the tabloid gossip and their child-like obsession with celebrity.

And for someone like me, who lost all respect and faith in the British Royal family many years ago, this extension of sycophantic celebrity obsession brings a whole new raft of misery to my already bleak existence.

This particular episode of Royal arse-licking annoys me for some very specific reasons. First, it’s timing.

Am I really being overly cynical in suggesting that this holy union is only taking place at all to take our minds off all of the other depressing crap in the country (and the world) right now?

I find the very concept of the upper echelons of the government and/or the Royal Family getting together and deciding that the mindless minions that make up the population of this country need a distraction from the shit they are dealing us on a daily basis offensive in the extreme. The assumption that we are all just proles that can be tricked and manipulated at will by the simplest of means is annoying, but doing so during this time of scandals, excessive rises in taxation and a host of other political issues that really deserve and need our attention is plain wrong.

Even an argument that the whole operation is an exercise in raising the country’s morale is rather sickening in it’s manipulative intent.

Of course, what’s more sickening is that, for a huge percentage of the population, it’s fucking working – mainly because the general public are too stupid to see that they’re being manipulated at all.

Yes, let’s not think about the general lack of money, the failing economy, the rising taxes, the shambles of a coalition government and the liberties they are taking with our personal freedoms, the earthquakes destroying the planet or even the nuclear fallout spreading across the entire eastern world! Some random toff is getting married! Let’s party!

Not to mention that it’s given the chav element of society an excuse to dust off their Saint George flags and start waving them in the faces of everyone they meet. Don’t get me wrong on this – I have no issue with patriotism. What I do have an issue with is these people that sponge off of this country’s resources all year long, never working a day in their lives and spending half of their time committing some crime or other … only to start prancing about brandishing a flag when some insignificant event such as a football match or a stranger’s wedding is taking place.

Hanging a flag out of your window for 7 days every 4 years is NOT patriotism. It’s hypocrisy. Only you can’t see that because you don’t know what hypocrisy is.

Finally, one more example of my suicidally cynical view of human existence! Are any of us actually convinced that Catherine Middleton has any real interest in William?!

She is an incredibly pretty, sexy woman … and she is marrying a goofy-looking, balding ginge! Yeah, she’s TOTALLY in love(!) I’m sure it’s absolutely nothing to do with becoming an instant millionaire nor the ability to forgo every single day’s work she might have had to do in her entire life. And CERTAINLY not anything to do with being a dead cert to become the fucking queen!

Without his status and his money, she would never have given him a second look. Put simply, she is way out of his league.

Of course, the same could be said of William’s father, Charles and Kate’s relative (albeit distant), Diana! I suppose, this time round we can all hold out a dismal hope that even one of them can remain faithful!

I’ll be spending this friday away. Far from my tv and with the radio off. Probably lying on a beach, reading a book. Unfortunately, I will be in the minority as countless morons line the streets of London or sit staring at their tv to witness this so called landmark event in British history.

As far as I’m concerned, they can jam their sycophantic, obsessive coverage right up their arse.

Posted in Media Hype

Wayne Rooney: Role Model

•April 8, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Every so often, someone in the public eye does something that sparks fire in the bellies of the media and the general public at large. As you can imagine, that fire needs no such prompting in me. In fact, it always amazes me that these repeated ape-like actions by the more inept and brainless of our public figures are required in order for the general public to view them for what they are! And it further amazes me that, given a week or so for the “scandal” to blow over, the moron in question becomes everyone’s favourite little scamp once again.

The perfect example of this happenned just this week when Wayne Rooney decided he needed to scream obscenities at a camera during a televized football match.

First, are any of us surprised?

So, a footballer said “fuck”. And that footballer thought it was a good idea to shout “fuck” at a TV camera he knew to be broadcasting live.

I can’t get my head around the concept that anyone in this country is the least bit surprised by this. The guy is a footballer. Or to give the job it’s proper title, “Professional Thug“.

In “the modern game” as so many of those brain damaged ex-footballer pundits like to call it, a complete lack of intelligence, a severely limited vocabulary and an uncontrollable urge to either punch or fuck (or both) everyone you meet are pre-requisites for becoming a footballing superstar.

The behaviour is not only accepted – it is REWARDED.

Second, the reports lambasting Rooney for his behaviour on the grounds of him being a role model leave me simply astounded. Are we really acceping this as fact?

Wayne Rooney is a role model? WAYNE ROONEY!?

I’m not saying that there are no kids obsessed with football that watch Rooney play and want to be as good as him. There’s nothing wrong with that. This is what will happen when people with the IQ of a glass of water are given huge sums of money for doing things that simply do not matter.

I’m saying that his sullen, aggresive demeanor and his tedious, seedy personal life are totally separate from that. Instead of telling the thug to pretend he’s not a thug, we should be showing these kids that his behaviour is not what makes him successful. That simply being good at something will suffice and acting like an arsehole is NOT actually required!

Simply being in the media does not make you a role model. It is sociey’s acceptance of you as a good example of how to live your life that does that. These people should not be allowed to obtain that place in society. Accepting that they ARE role models and then whining about their behaviour is incredibly hypocritical.

It’d be like hiring a bunch of monkeys to raise your kids and then expressing surprise when returning home after a year away to find your kids dead and the walls covered in monkey shit.

Posted in General Misery, Media Hype, People Skills

Mini-Rant: The Urban Flip-Flop

•March 28, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Also known as “Thongs” in Australia, “Zories” in parts of America, “Slip-Slops” in South Africa and “Twatwear” in my house.

To even call them a shoe is wholly inaccurate. They have a sole, yes. But they have no upper to speak of. Hence, NOT a shoe. They offer practically no protection to the actual foot. In fact, most of the time, they cause more damage between the toes than they could possibly be preventing to the soles of the wearer’s feet, rendering them less than useless! They’re actually counterproductive!

Men that wear these things really grind my gears.

It’s bad enough that they fall for the idiotic assertion thrust upon them by, and maintained by advertizers and their brainless wives and girlfriends, that they just have to wear these abominations of footwear whilst on holiday, or indeed visiting any beach whatsoever … or even out in their own garden if the sun has been shining for more than a fucking nanosecond, but the ones that really fuck me off to an unbelievable extent are the ones that wear them to the shops or just to go out anywhere in general, regardless of the weather, the country they live in or indeed the number of people like me they are bound to encounter and put into a state of bewilderment and fury.

(Breathe …)

Ok, so they may not be encountering many people quite like me, but I am certain that I am not alone in my dislike of the Urban Flip-Flop nor in my outright hatred of the arsehole wankers that insist on wearing them in conditions for which they are totally unsuitable. This piece of footwear was designed to be worn in places that are ACTUALLY hot – like Japan and New Zealand, and then Pakistan, Autralia and Greece. NOT London. NOT Brighton. And certainly not cities in central and northern England where a “cold snap” is a welcome relief from the non-stop shittily cold temperatures experienced for 350 days of every calendar year!

It was the complete epitome of this wanker that spurred me into action on this rant. Someone I observed a couple of days ago in a branch of Starbucks. Sitting there in his combat shorts, yellow t-shirt announcing that California is “too cool“, his fucking designer shades pushed up to his forehead as he taps away at his Macbook, most likely telling all of his four Facebook friends that he’s “getting coffee at Starbucks!1!!1!1 LOL” … it was all I could do not to walk over there and shatter my own Starbucks mug right over his stupid pointless face.

Having said that, he looked quite muscular, so I left it.

But that’s beside the point. There’s nothing else for it. These people deserve a punch in the mouth. And so do their women. No man in control of his own wardrobe would ever go out wearing such a ridiculous, uncomfortable, useless, worthless shitty item of clothing. Get a backbone and a set of balls, you flaccid worm!

When the Apocalypse comes, do you REALLY think you flip-flop wearers stand the slightest chance of surviving? Hell, I doubt you’d last even 12 hours without your precious iPhone.

Posted in Consumer, General Misery, People Skills

Sloppy, Chomping Bastards.

•March 18, 2011 • 1 Comment

Noisy eaters and drinkers. I have a question.

Why?

Why do you go out of your way to slurp, slop, spew, munch, slap and gulp your way through everything you eat and drink?

I know you’re not deaf. You exhibit perfectly good hearing during conversations and other everyday activities. So, why is it that you feel it is acceptable, if not necessary to make these foul and disgusting noises?

What the hell is wrong with you? Is there some deep-seated psychological issue at work here? Did you not get enough attention as a child? Did mommy not hug you enough? Do you have an unconscious need to make as much noise as possible to make sure nobody in the room forgets you’re there? Do you have an unresolved mental problem that makes you think you should be the centre of everyone’s attention, whether it’s for being interesting, helpful, or simply the most annoying fucker in the room?

I have noticed that this trait is just about always seen in the same people that witter on insidiously about nothing at an annoying volume all day, every day. I think it MUST be part of the same psychosis.

I can accept that some foods are crunchy. It’s impossible to eat crisps quietly. But CRUNCHING is not what I’m talking about here. It’s the sound of every mouthful being processed in the loudest possible way. Surely, it’s basic manners to chew with your mouth closed and to not smack your lips together and slop your tongue about while doing so? Am I alone in being of the opinion that, if someone is eating in the same room as you, you shouldn’t be aware of every mouthful as it gets slurped, shovelled in, chewed and then swallowed just from the fucking nasty noises they’re making?

And the same goes for drinking. Is there really any need to make lengthy burbling, slurping, noises every time you raise a glass of water or a can of pop to your lips? Even hot drinks don’t need to be slurped like that.

When I’ve actually taken people up on why they make that noise, that’s very often the excuse. “It hot!”

Well, the answer is fairly straightforward! Let it cool before you start attempting to gulp down great mouthfuls of the stuff, you simpleton. And it’s nothing to do with the temperature anyway, because you make noises like a blocked drain being professionally cleaned when you’re drinking cold drinks as well, you cunt!

And what exactly is it about eating that makes you so out of breath?

The heavy breathing and grunting that accompanies every meal is enough to make those being made to endure this spectacle want to empty your plate onto the floor and make you eat the way an ACTUAL pig would. By sucking it up off the floor on your hands and knees.

And while I’m ranting, what’s with the clattering of the fork or spoon against your teeth as you shovel? Makes every nerve in my body jangle hearing that. HOW can it not hurt you when you do that? Are you physically numb as well as mentally?

There’s just about nothing worse than being in the company of you people. It’s like spending time in a fucking zoo. Shut the fuck up or be prepared for your meals and drinks to be emptied over your head whenever I’m in the room, you foul obnoxious sack of shit.

Posted in General Misery, People Skills

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