MisterShouty

Noisy eaters and drinkers. I have a question.

Why?

Why do you go out of your way to slurp, slop, spew, munch, slap and gulp your way through everything you eat and drink?

I know you’re not deaf. You exhibit perfectly good hearing during conversations and other everyday activities. So, why is it that you feel it is acceptable, if not necessary to make these foul and disgusting noises?

What the hell is wrong with you? Is there some deep-seated psychological issue at work here? Did you not get enough attention as a child? Did mommy not hug you enough? Do you have an unconscious need to make as much noise as possible to make sure nobody in the room forgets you’re there? Do you have an unresolved mental problem that makes you think you should be the centre of everyone’s attention, whether it’s for being interesting, helpful, or simply the most annoying fucker in the room?

I have noticed that this trait is just about always seen in the same people that witter on insidiously about nothing at an annoying volume all day, every day. I think it MUST be part of the same psychosis.

I can accept that some foods are crunchy. It’s impossible to eat crisps quietly. But CRUNCHING is not what I’m talking about here. It’s the sound of every mouthful being processed in the loudest possible way. Surely, it’s basic manners to chew with your mouth closed and to not smack your lips together and slop your tongue about while doing so? Am I alone in being of the opinion that, if someone is eating in the same room as you, you shouldn’t be aware of every mouthful as it gets slurped, shovelled in, chewed and then swallowed just from the fucking nasty noises they’re making?

And the same goes for drinking. Is there really any need to make lengthy burbling, slurping, noises every time you raise a glass of water or a can of pop to your lips? Even hot drinks don’t need to be slurped like that.

When I’ve actually taken people up on why they make that noise, that’s very often the excuse. “It hot!”

Well, the answer is fairly straightforward! Let it cool before you start attempting to gulp down great mouthfuls of the stuff, you simpleton. And it’s nothing to do with the temperature anyway, because you make noises like a blocked drain being professionally cleaned when you’re drinking cold drinks as well, you cunt!

And what exactly is it about eating that makes you so out of breath?

The heavy breathing and grunting that accompanies every meal is enough to make those being made to endure this spectacle want to empty your plate onto the floor and make you eat the way an ACTUAL pig would. By sucking it up off the floor on your hands and knees.

And while I’m ranting, what’s with the clattering of the fork or spoon against your teeth as you shovel? Makes every nerve in my body jangle hearing that. HOW can it not hurt you when you do that? Are you physically numb as well as mentally?

There’s just about nothing worse than being in the company of you people. It’s like spending time in a fucking zoo. Shut the fuck up or be prepared for your meals and drinks to be emptied over your head whenever I’m in the room, you foul obnoxious sack of shit.

~ by mistershouty on March 18, 2011.

Posted in General Misery, People Skills