MisterShouty

There are already a few places on the internets where you can find posts on mobile phone etiquette. Generally, they talk about being loud in normally quiet places and responding to text messages quickly and the like. Now, while these are important, I feel that there are several areas that deserve more attention. So, that in mind, is my simple 7 step guide to mobile phone etiquette that, rather than helping you to avoid making people angry, will just stop you looking like a complete and total dick.

1. Texting After 10pm

In this day and age, a text is exactly the same as a phone call when it comes to the way it is seen as a type of communication. Especially a text which will start a new text conversation. It is an invitation to begin conversing, with an implication that the conversation will last at least 30 minutes. So, once it gets to 10pm, as far as I’m concerned, a text message should only be sent in emergency situations. All too often, people seem to think that it’s perfectly reasonable to text at all hours of the day and night. It’s not. The person may not tell you this, but when they receive that message, their first thought is “What DICK is texting me at this time of night?”

2. Call Screening

Something that many people do not seem to realize is that there is a massive difference between letting their phone ring until voicemail kicks in and hitting the “ignore” button. When you let the call go to voicemail, the caller has to wait through 20 to 30 seconds of ringing. When you hit “ignore”, the caller is instantly cut off and sent to voicemail. This may seem really obvious to some, but the caller can use this information to work out that they were just “ignored“. So, claiming later that you “missed” their call is a blatant lie and will make you look like a dick.

Similarly, if you are on the receiving end of an “ignore“, calling back straight away is another massive dick move. You were ignored because your call can’t be taken. However important you think you are, you will simply have to wait to be called back.

3. Quick Reply To A Missed Call Call Back

So, you just tried to call someone and they missed your call. If they then call back within a couple of minutes, you should be ready to answer. OK, if it’s been five minutes, the “Missed Call Call Back” window has closed and your phone could very possibly be back in your pocket, left in the fridge or dropped in a toilet. But, in order to avoid Dickdom, a missed call call back within 2 or 3 minutes should always be answered. One of the most severe causes of frustration in this modern world is knowing that someone just tried to call you, but not being able to get them to answer their phone to find out why.

4. Mass Texts

If you’re the kind of person that sends mass text messages to groups of people on any occasion other than Christmas and New Year, I’m afraid you’re already a dick and there’s nothing I can do to fix that. However, you can minimize your dickness by structuring your mass texts in such a way that you avoid people realizing it’s a mass text. Starting with a greeting such as “Hey!”, “Yo!” or “Dude!” is a big give away. If this was just to one person, you wouldn’t begin with the guy’s name, so don’t do it here either! Just launch into the meat of the message. “Are you coming to the party friday?” is the perfect example of a mass text that can’t be detected as mass.

5. Wearing Handsfree/Bluetooth Headsets When Not In Use

A quick one – Don’t. You look like an idiot.

6. Appropriate Length Of Voicemail Messages

Leaving a voicemail message is a good way of getting the basic intent of your call to the recipient when they are busy. But this should be limited to ONE sentence! Don’t go rambling on for 5 minutes. No one is going to even listen to that. And if you’re leaving a message for a friend, DON’T take the time to leave your name or number! The person has you in their phone’s contacts! They will know who you are just by the missed call notification (duh).

In fact, I’d go further and say that the only non-dick reason to leave a voicemail is to leave your name if the recipient doesn’t have your details in their phone. Again, stating your number isn’t necessary unless you’re witholding it (which also makes you a dick).

7. Hilarious Ringtones & The Law Of Diminishing Returns

Something to remember: Silence is the new cool ringtone.

“Funny” ringtones stopped being funny 10 years ago. Get over it.

Having our phones set to vibrate is the only way to a peaceful future for humanity. Ringtones, if we do not stamp them out, will be our downfall. Even the shortest of SMS/email notification tones grate on the nerves of everyone in your vicinity. Especially if you’re the kind of dick that maximizes the incoming messages to your phone in a vain attempt to make people think you’re popular and/or indispensible. We all know that 99% of the messages are facebook and twitter updates from the hundreds of people you’ve friended and followed. You’re kidding no one.

A simple way to ensure that you don’t become a dick in this manner is to remember one thing whenever you go into your phone’s settings to change tones. People thought the Crazy Fucking Frog was funny 10 years ago. Just as funny as you think your new tone is right now.

Stop. It’s for your own good.

This concludes the first part of my irritable man’s guide to non-dickdom.
Now, go forth and be a little less annoying to everyone in your life!

You’re welcome.

~ by mistershouty on June 10, 2013.

Posted in Consumer, General Misery, Office, People Skills
Tags: bluetooth, call screening, cell phones, don't be a dick, email, hands free, mobile phones, phones, sms, test message, voicemail